I hate the way you say my name, simply because it's music to my ears. I hate the way you look at me, only due to the way it makes my heart skip a beat. I hate the way you make me feel, but only because it's wonderful. I hate the way you make me cry without even knowing it, without even being there, without even doing anything. I hate the way you hold my heart, because I know that if you could, you'd throw it away. I hate the way I want you, and I hate the way that it makes you not want me.
If I could just have you a little bit, I might not feel like I do now. I might not be so attached if I wasn't the only one doing the attaching. Maybe if I could hold you again, I'd realize how irrational I'm being. Maybe if I had you I wouldn't need you so much. All the "maybe"s in the world can't make you mine, or anywhere close.
You make me need. I want nothing more than to forget that you exist, or ever did. I would rather forget you than be with you, because everything ends sometime. Once, you were just a comfort to me. You knew me through my changes, through my growing up. I can't say you were there for me through it all, or that I ever would have known if you were. You were just a friend then, just someone i knew, but that seems so far off now. We crossed that line, the line that I can't seem to get back over. You've been a part of me, you've been inside me. I've been stripped and vulnerable and you made it feel natural and beautiful. You gave me what I needed, what not many people can give me. With you, I felt comfort. With you, I felt beauty. With you, I felt freed. I was freed. You freed my soul, and you gave me life. I was high. I was on top of the world. Now, I've lost that, and I don't know what to do.
The vaguest thought of you, the slightest reminiscence, and I melt, I falter, I fall. I become what I despise being. I become weak. If it was anyone else, I could forget. I don't know why it is that I think of you, why it is that I care for you, why it is that you make me feel so amazing. You're passionate, you're intelligent, you're more than I could ever imagine. There are no words that really can explain why I see you as the person I do. The only thing that really matters now, is that I do. You're the person I desperately want in my life. It's the queerest feeling. I would love for you to love me, but that's not what I really want. I want that silent thing that couples have. I want a hand on my hip, a hand in mine, a smile from across the room that makes me giggle like a schoolgirl and makes my entire existance brighter. I want to glow... for you. I know you don't want love. You just don't know that I don't either, or maybe you just don't believe it. I cannot stop my heart from feeling, I cannot change my emotions. All I can do for now is live, and hope for the best.
I force myself to smile, hoping it will stick. I'm just afraid that for now I've lost my glue, but maybe one day I'll find it. Or even better... maybe it will find me.